The past week and a half were..excruciating..to say the least. I said good bye to a job that I had and I place I was at pretty much just because of a stupid boy and said hello to a place where I do not even know if it is the right place! I sat through a general orientation that was actually enjoyable and efficient and I could not enjoy it. I kept feeling like something was wrong, very wrong. And before I have had time to settle into a (kind of) new city I am leaving town for a “family vacation” (a different post!).
And I am thinking the whole time, this is probably not the right place. I am still alone here. I am still just…I do not know. I still do not know. I am still hurt and healing and maybe this was too big of a step too soon? But what could I have done? I was backed into a corner with no real options so I took the one that I felt would be less damaging to my career but I would still be around people I know. Did I decide wrong again? The doubt and regret weighs heavily on my mind, psyche, heart! Whichever!
However, the more prominent emotions that are always in the background are hurt, betrayal, unworthiness. I was used by a boy pretending to be a man. He gained my trust piece by piece and over time I gave him a piece of me until I gave everything I had. That was the day he threw me away. Discarded me like I was nothing more than an outgrown toy, a piece of trash.
I am allowed to feel this pain. I am hurting. But I have to face the reality that is now. I went through a third general nursing orientation in only three years of being a nurse. I am in a town that is less than ideal of a mid-20s single, God-fearing woman who is trying to live the plan Christ has planned for her. I have friends around but no one truly close to me anymore. I have gone through an emotional, spiritual, and mental (and therefore physical) traumatic experience and my world has been turned upside down. This is the reality of my situation. I am barely standing on my own two feet. But it is okay to feel sad. It is okay to be hurt. Pretending to move on too fast will make the healing process twice as long. I am starting over…again..but I am still healing. I have to give myself that time to heal. And I have to accept that.
This week I will be gone with my family to Branson, MO. July 5th I start on my new ICU unit. I am both excited and scared to death for both of these things! I pray to the good Lord Jesus that he will grant me the perseverance to treasure each moment with my family and to be fully present with them!