I Hold On

PSA: This post is different from any previous post I’ve done. And a LOT longer!…

…There’s not many times anymore that I feel inspired to writer “poetry.” But I have recently and I have decided to share it with the interwebs! It’s long…like an Epic Poem! And it’s very rough and very personal but here goes!

The hurts of the past

Leave scars on the present.

The anxieties that were created

Leave fears for the future.

 

Feeling so lost and afraid

I cry out to You

I cry out for You

I cry out in need of You

 

But the demons have grown

To numbers too terrible to behold

And my voice is so weak

And my words fall short,

 

“My God, my God,

Why have You forsaken me?”

And, strengthening my fears,

There was nothing there but darkness.

 

“My Lord, my God” I cry-

It falls on deaf ears.

No one is with me

No one but me and Loneliness

 

The wounds are so deep

All energy spent just to breathe.

The evil is so close

I “Hail Mary” to keep it at bay.

 

I hold on to tradition

I hold on to motions

I hold on to friends

I hold on to family

 

I can’t feel the anchor,

But I hold on.

I can’t hear the wind,

But I hold on.

 

I can’t taste the joy,

But I hold on.

I can’t smell the sweetness (incense),

But I hold on.

 

I can’t see Your face…

But I hold on –

Hoping, praying, begging

For You to turn to me.

 

But there is no answer

You do not turn around

And I am blinded

By demons once again

 

Each moment is agonizing

But I hold on

Each moment is torturous

But I hold on

 

Each day I cry out to You

So I can hold on

Each day I reach out to You

So I can hold on…

 

I turn to studying You

So I can hold on

I read about Your Great Love

So I can hold on

 

I add to my motions

I change my motions

I add to them again

I change them again

 

I can’t get out of my head

I reach out to you

But You don’t turn around…

I am exhausted.

 

I can’t get out of my mind

I cry out to You

But I can’t hear Your voice…

I am broken beyond repair

 

But I continue the motions

I continue to study Your Love

I continue to walk this twisted path

So that I may hold on

 

Every day, the demons win

I try to rid myself of them

But the darkness takes them over

And becomes impossible to…

Hold on

 

I collapse in defeat

I cannot study anymore

I cannot go through the motions anymore

I cannot cry out anymore

 

I collapse.

But then, I realize…

I am not alone…

Others have collapsed with me.

 

I look around me

And I see many broken souls

I see many crushed spirits

I see many who are exhausted…

 

Exhausted from crying out –

Alone.

Exhausted from fighting –

Alone.

 

I continue to look around and, finally,

I see myself –

Tired, worn, broken, alone…

Closed.

 

Closed off and hidden away

Detached from all things

Buried behind my hurt

Buried behind my fear

 

That’s when it starts

When I hear the music:

Unfamiliar – scary!

But, strangely, it calls out…

 

I shy away:

The unknown is dark

The unknown is pain

I am too broken already

 

I retreat into my fortress,

Built to keep out the demons

Built to keep me out of sight

Built to keep me in the dark.

 

But it won’t go away.

The music keeps playing

The strange sound

Starts to fill the halls of my castle.

 

I start to run away –

The unknown is dark

The unknown is pain

I am too weak already.

 

The demons start again at my fortress

They fight every night

To knock the walls down –

Wailing, screaming, laughing

 

I collapse,

Cover my ears

To drown out the noise

And wish them away.

 

Then the music begins to grow louder

That strange, unknown sound

Then the music begins to swell

And the demons back away –

 

I lift my head in surprise…

Night after night

The demons come to torment

Nothing I could do rid me of them

 

But the music…

The unfamiliar music

Makes them withdraw

Makes them weak!

 

I shakenly rise

I slowly stumble

Towards the sound

Towards the unearthly sound

 

The music grows louder

I timidly move closer

The demons grow smaller

I walk a bit faster

The music plays faster

I start to run

The music crescendos

I stop.

 

I have reached the end

Of my protective walls

I have reached the end

Of my cold hiding place

 

I see myself –

Tired, worn, broken, alone…

Closed.

Closed to keep out the pain.

 

Closed.

Closed so nothing can get in…

And I can’t get out.

Closed.

 

But the music continues to call

The music beckons

This unfamiliar music

Gently pulls me forward.

 

“It’s a trick”

A voice whispers to me

“You’ll get hurt again”

The voice warns me.

 

I stop.

I hesitate.

I freeze.

What if the voice is right?

 

The demons wail –

Their strength renewed

And the music fades,

Drained out by the dark cries.

 

Darkness, once again,

Starts to take over.

Fear, once again

Grips at my soul.

 

“Be still.”

A voice cries out.

“Be still.”

A comforting voice calls.

 

Struck with a rush of courage –

I open up.

Not knowing what I’m doing –

I open up.

 

I open the door to my fortress

I open the door to my heart –

At once the demons rush in

At once they try to swallow me whole.

 

Suddenly a glorious figure

With a shield of light

And a sword of justice

Fights through the swarm

 

Fighting off the demons

Fighting away the dark

Fighting towards me

Fighting for me

 

I open up.

I open up to the music

I reach out to the Knight

And I start to sing.

 

I start to sing the once

Unfamiliar, frightening song

I join in the hymns

I join in the chorus

 

And He turns.

My Lord, my Savior,

My King – He turns

And He speaks my name –

 

He utters my name!

So soft, yet powerful.

My very being

Us struck with awe.

 

I begin to weep

Tears of joy gushing forth

I opened up

And I found You

 

The walls began to crumble

The Knight vanquishes the demons

The light begins to shine

The Knight takes my hand.

 

I hold on

In joyfulness

I hold on.

I hold on…

 

To His mercy

I hold on

To His strength

I hold on

 

Awesome emotions rushing through me

Great strength renewing my body

Simple joy filling my heart

And His loving peace encompassing my soul

 

I hold on.

I opened the door to my heart

And my Lord came rushing in

To save my soul

 

I hold on

My Knight, my Lord

I am sorry, for I know

You never abandoned me

 

I hold on

I no longer close up

I hold on

I trust in the Lord.

 

I study Your love

With fervor and thirst

I go through the motions

With hunger and passion

 

The demons destroyed

The Evil one defeated

My Knight, my Kind, my Lord –

Victorious.

 

I hold on to Your hand

I hold on to Your mercy

I hold on to Your peace

I hold on to Your love.

 

I hold on to You.

 

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